Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Start the year as you intend to continue.

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it