Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
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I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Stop sending me this shit.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Wait a minute
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.