Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Good morning

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

My support group can outdrink your support group.

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.