Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?