Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Chemical wingman

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

Now who done made this a sport lmao

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.