Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

We like the way Dwight thinks

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Wait for it

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

This classic never gets old . . .

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles