HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry