HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
tis the season
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.