Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mmm onion ringos

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup