Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no