Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

*puts words between two asterisks*

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent