Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many hands make light work

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.