Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.