Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
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Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.