Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy