HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
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The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.