Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.