Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

Me checking my bank balance online.

this is the best interaction on twitter

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.