Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

These dogs look like they have good credit.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.