Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.