Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Yeah. This was me today.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.