A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
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Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”