Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense