Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
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A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths