Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird