@Tmoney68

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

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@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

@MissyBell71

When someone asks me, “Is this seat saved?” I like to say “No, but we’re still praying for it” and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.

@papaneedscoffee

2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”

Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”

2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..

@imgoneIoI

kids be like: ngudksowkmdcjc
me: huh?
they mom: he said he want some chips

@tigersgoroooar

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

@evofck

My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.

@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time

J: wtf around what time

@Bahbuto

By age 35 you should have like 2 real friends both of whom live in other states and around 700 online friends with whom your relationship is so tenuous that a simple opinion about a comic book movie could end it instantly.