Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon