No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
This headline is a thing of beauty
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.