Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
incredible book dedication
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting