Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified