Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.