Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”