Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
Just take a day off
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.