All my friends say that I’m a psychopath. That’s not true, I don’t have any friends.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, you and I have a lot in common.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Me: and spells.
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒