HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.