Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

This kinda thing happens to me often

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

Put this video in the Louvre