Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

shit just got real

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

They did not miss in the small print

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.