Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

“TGIM!” – My liver

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs