Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.