Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I’d love this…lol
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.