Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family