Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.