Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season