Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.