Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game