Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?