Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Poetry is my passion
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school