Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
You Might Also Like
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”