Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

yeet

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-