Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
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If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me when the waiter asks if there鈥檚 room for dessert
But that鈥檚 my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Have a lovely day 馃槉
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Hey Brenda, let鈥檚 watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave