[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
i’m sorry ms. jackson… i am
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?
Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.