@Adyaces

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

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@clichedout

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

@Swishergirl24

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

@NewDadNotes

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

@derkanergy

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

@Office_Dolt

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

@TankCesar

How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….

@Scriblit

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.