Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

You Might Also Like


[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?


The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.


Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.


*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”


Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.


How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….


Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.