Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.