Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

me when i see my girls butt

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams