Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me