Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse