Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Best table by far

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Interior designer.

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless