HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Don’t we all.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
That 👊
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Tastes like chicken.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”