Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
never compromise your values
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Always 🥴
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.