Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
i smell a pulitzer
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low