Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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🤣could you imagine
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.