@DaddyJew

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

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@MariyaAlexander

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

@HomeProbably

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

@Jake_Vig

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

@Neauxpe

Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

@alispagnola

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

@HenpeckedHal

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

@AimeeHelene1

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

@famouscrab

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

@kelownagoose

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.