Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
How about daylight saves us for once
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Breaking news:
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious