[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.