Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
You Might Also Like
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory