Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

This January has 47 Mondays

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

We are the people our parents warned us about.

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.