Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

this country is so goddamn polarized

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.