Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

hello pervert is such a strong opener

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.