Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
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[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”