Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
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Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Perfect
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
called in thicc to work this morning
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip