Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Nothing to do, you say?

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Church Pugh’s

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands