Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
This poor dog
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.