Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

Skip intro

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.