Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
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If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
this makes me so uncomfortable
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one