Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
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Erm I’m gonna say no
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.