Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.