Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

listen closely

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.