Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that