Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Matt Goss

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride