Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
bugs when you lift up a rock
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
You don’t even know
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
you have three unread messages
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.